Friday, December 18, 2009

Naughty or Nice

First, before you decide that I am a nut, please understand that I am all about celebrating Christmas with all its' trappings! A blog (http://www.preschoolersandpeace.com/?p=1270) gave the best thoughts on this I have ever read. I am going to paraphrase but I really recommend going to the site and reading it yourself... Christians really should go all out in celebrating Christmas. We understand the truth of what The Gift was all about. That baby brought to earth the gift of salvation and eternal life, the abundant life. As Christians, we should be all about having a great big party to celebrate this. We should decorate, give gifts and have a great feast (the Old Testament is all about feasts!). Throughout it all, we need to be celebrating the The Gift. When we make Christ the center of the celebration, there is nothing wrong with having a big celebration.

With that said though, there is a part of the Christmas celebration that has been weighing heavy on my heart & it is represented in the Elf on the Shelf. I had an elf on my shelf. As I looked at it each day, thoughts just kept pricking at me. Whether you are a follower of Jesus Christ or not, there is something about this elf that creates issues for parents that cannot be denied. It may seem like holiday fun but as he looked at me each day from a new location around my house, I realized he represented deeper issues.

As far as training children, the first and most important thing every parenting expert and layman alike talks about is consistency. If you want your children to obey than you must be consistent. If you say something, than you must follow through. Once the child realizes that mom and dad do not really mean what they say (or that they do not mean it until the third, or fourth, or fifth time...) than any hope for true obedience is lost.

So let's talk about this whole naughty or nice thing. Children hear nothing else from Thanksgiving on other than "be good or Santa will not bring you any presents". And now there is this little elf that sits around the house, ready to let Santa know about any naughtiness that may be going on, ready to make sure naughty little ones will get no gifts.

Really? I mean. REALLY? Have you ever denied your children Christmas presents because he/she was naughty? Sure, I have heard a tale or two of someone getting coal in their stalking. I have never heard of a child getting absolutely nothing due to naughty behavior. And let's be honest - all children are naughty in one way or another & even if we only count the time between Thanksgiving & Christmas, I feel fairly certain most, if not every child, would be gettin' nuthin' for Christmas!

And really, what does naughty mean? Children will take this vague term & run wild with it.

Does pushing brother down count as naughty.... nope. COOL!

Does stealing sister's toys count....nope. Even more cool!

How about speaking rudely to mommy?

Not doing my chores....

Acting out at school....

Little ones will try to get away with as much as we will let them and once they figure out that the naughty/nice thing is not really set in stone, it really offers little behavior control and simply teaches our children that mommy and daddy do not mean what they say. So if you are ready to tell you children exactly what you mean by "naughty" and then enforce it without fail, by all means put that elf on your shelf & enjoy it. I struggle enough on my own enforcing the hard realities of discipline. I certainly do not need to set myself up for the reality that one (or more) of my children will be naughty, forcing me to deny them the joy of Christmas morning in order to abide by the most important principle of parenting - consistency.

This leads me to the bigger issue of the naughty/nice debate if you are a follower of Jesus Christ. As I looked at that elf on my shelf, it dawned on me that everything the elf represents goes against everything this incredible celebration is about -

Romans 5:8 tells us "While we were still sinners, Christ dies for us..."

God did not sit in heaven and say "If you are nice, I will send my Son." If we were nice, we would not have needed His son. He sent the gift of His Son because HE LOVES US. Just like we give Christmas gifts to our children even when they have been naughty BECAUSE WE LOVE THEM.

Naughty & Nice has cluttered up this holiday. And there are a lot of Christian families who have gotten caught up in that clutter. God loves us. Experiencing His love ignites the fire of obedience. Sure, that elf on my shelf may inspire short term obedience from my children but that obedience will last only as long as the desire for the toy lasts. However, it certainly does not teach our children ANYTHING about God's love. As believers, that is what we should be teaching our children during Christmas. It is not about obedience. It is about LOVE.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16

As a parent, I have taken this incredible Gift and used the celebration of it to teach my children bad theology. God's Gift is not about how good we can be... God's Gift came because HE LOVES US, even while we are unlovable. And if I think that this little bit of holiday fun will not shape them and the way they think, I am just lying to myself.

How about I spend this Christmas season telling my children about the MIRACLE that God sent His Son even though no one deserved it?

How about I spend this Christmas season letting my children experience the true joy of anticipating the coming gifts without fear of not getting them because they just weren't good enough?

How about I spend the Christmas season disciplining my children just as I always do, instead of relying on an empty threat seemingly enforced by a little stuffed toy? A read through the Old Testament shows us that God disciplined the Israelites while they waited for the gift of the messiah. There were plenty of consequences for their bad actions, but God never said, "Sorry, you have been too naughty so I am not giving you the gift of the Savior right now." And He NEVER threatened to not send the Gift in order to get the Israelites to obey.

So, I have struggled through the realities of what this little elf has revealed to me. I mean, really, isn't it all in the name of holiday fun? Is it really THAT big of a deal? But then it hit me that YES, it IS that big of a deal. Beyond setting myself up to fail in the area of discipline because I will NEVER wake up Christmas morning & not give my little ones gifts, I am denying my children the opportunity to experience the TRUE JOY of Christmas - celebrating several weeks of anticipating the gifts that are guaranteed to come just because Keith & I love them, just like the Gift of Salvation that God guaranteed would come just because HE LOVES US.

Growing

So part of the reality of a confession is to grow and move past the issues that have caused you to sin in the first place. And although I talked about three areas in my life that I am struggling with last time and I am very concerned about my struggle with money and food, it is my struggle with my children that grieves me the most.
But here is the thing about God, sin, secrets and satan. As long as satan can convince you told hold your sin and secrets to your chest, he can keep you from truly seeking help and revelation. He keeps you from growing past what it is that keeps you locked in that sin.
Yesterday we were getting ready to go to the park to play. The little ones were acting crazy (excited to go... being their age). I got frustrated at being ignored and I could feel myself filling up with anger. I threw a toy down and stomped out of the room, crying. Keith followed me and we talked for a couple of minutes. I was unable to express to him what I was feeling and he was unable to understand what I was going through. I told him that we should just head to the park and we could talk there. I was feeling calmer and I wanted the little ones to have the fun time promised.

We headed off to the park and were having a nice time when Evynn fell and hurt her nose (she is fine now and I will not go into all that for sake of time). Keith and I decided we should take her to Children's to get it checked out.
As we were driving there (after dropping two off at Jennifer's) he and I had a chance to talk and really began to understand each other.
Here is what I have been thinking - there are two areas that I struggle with –

One, feeling like if I do not teach them to obey immediately and right now (I mean while they are young) they will grow up to be disobedient adults who cannot function & follow God's will for their lives and…

Two, that when I get mad at them it scars them for life. Every time I lose my temper and yell at my children, I feel that it is going to causing permanent damage.

I understand that they are going to act like little children. THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE. But the burden of believing I must see the results of training “them up” right now coupled with the belief that I am ruining them every time I raise my voice in frustration is overwhelming me. It is a pretty heavy burden to bear and one that my husband pointed out as wrong. I feel like that one moment is going to damage them for all eternity. First because I have obviously NOT trained them well and second because I got mad and yelled at them. My frustration that I feel does not have anything to do with them. It has to do with me.

I struggle with this burden every day. I mean, really, I do not spend all day yelling at my children. We actually have a lot of fun together. But I am so convinced that any moment disobedience followed by my "losing it" and yelling at them is going to cause permanent damage that I when I do lose it, I spiral. I get frustrated with myself, and then my focus is no longer on God and the Holy Spirit (and let's be honest, the only way to get through parenting with any amount of calmness is through the Holy Spirit).

So that is it, satan has won that battle. He has taken my focus away from God and turned it on to myself. Then I tend to get more frustrated and yell more, feeling more guilty, more condemning, more frustration, more yelling, more guilt... you see where this is going.

So yesterday, BECAUSE I AM NO LONGER KEEPING SECRETS, Keith exposed the lies I was telling myself.

Who would not feel enormous amounts of pressure, thinking EVERY mistake will be life ruining? For the first time, HE UNDERSTOOD why I was feeling so crazy about this. We were able to identify it and attack satan's lies through prayer!

Today, at the end of church we sang a beautiful song about how much God loves us and as I sang, I was actually brought to my knees, overwhelmed by His love. Overwhelmed by the reality that is actually feels good to be broken by Him. These last few days have been hard. It is hard to let down the people who love you the most. It is hard to really look at behaviors, label them and attack them. It is hard to be exposed. But is also feels really good. The other thing about secrets is that you get so caught up in them that you can no longer focus on the One who loves us the most . These are the words from that song and I am struck by the first line... He is jealous for me... He wants all my attention, all my love... He does not want me to get all caught up in manufactured drama...



He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves

And we are His portion and
He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
And Heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don't have time to maintain these regrets When I think about, the way...

Thursday, September 17, 2009

So I have been homeschooling for going on about a month now. I can honestly say there has not been a moment of regret. Frustration and irritation but no regret. I feel in my heart that this is completely the right thing to do and God continues to affirm this is so many ways!!!

Evynn and Kailyn are doing pretty well too. The get a little needy or loud at times but really, I am amazed at how they are able to entertain each other. I enjoy listening to them play as Bowden and I work on school.

Perhaps the funniest moment of homeschooling so far was yesterday while working on lowercase "m". I was explaining to Bowden the proper way to make an "m" which he did not agree with and he looked at me and said "Mommy, that is ridiculous!" I told him if we ever came across the person who came up with the proper way to write letters we could tell him. I have to say, I do agree with Bowden. he can make a perfectly nice "m" without doing it the "proper" way!!!

Bowden started at Homeschool Academy last week. it is a one day program that allows moms some free time and gives the students some social interaction and outside instruction. Bowden's teach said on the first day "He certainly has a lot of energy". And today... he got a note sent home saying he is struggling with self-control and talking (no, not one of our children... talking too much????). Not shocked by this!!! One of the big reasons that we started going down the road of homeschooling in the first place. I cannot imagine how it would be going if he had to sit in a class all day every day. I love that he goes to Academy once a week to work on these skills but he is not getting int trouble all day every day!

Well, that is about it for now! Off to enjoy an evening with my blessed husband!!!!