Confession

Romans 7:15-20 (New International Version)

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.... For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

Or to put it another way.....

Romans 7:15-20 (The Message)
What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. ...
...For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

Yesterday my husband looked at our credit card statement and the reality of a secret I have been hiding came to light. I have a problem. I have a problem with self-control. In manifests itself in three big areas of my life right now. Money, food and anger. So, I have come here to confess my sins and maybe seek some accountability. Even as I type this, I have a knot in my stomach. I would much rather keep these secrets to myself. Keith and I talked at length about this last night. He knows everything. And God certainly knows everything. But as Keith pointed out, there is something to be said about accountability partners - people who help to keep you on track.

Let's talk about secrets first. Satan loves a secret. As long as I keep my secrets, then he can use them build guilt in my heart. As long as guilt is surrounding my heart, my communion with God is stinted, maybe even shut down. My connection with others is crippled. When holding onto a secret, we forget that God has ALREADY forgiven us for our sins. THAT debt has been paid. We hide in shame from something God already knows we did and we shrink away from the life of abundance that we have been promised, thinking we are not worthy. Secrets also keep us from getting help and helping others. How many others struggle with our same issues but out of fear and embarrassment, we keep the secret and lose out on the chance to help & be helped.

So now let's talk about confession. Brandon talked about confession on Sunday. I do not have time to go back and listen to all he said (nap is almost over & Bowden is being really good entertaining himself but how long will that last?) But the gist of what God said to me there was confession is NOT about admitting to God what we did (He already knows) but about stating it out in the open so that the issue can be dealt with and resolved. Blanket confessions are not enough. "Hey, God, I am sorry I spent too much money this week..." I could go on and on about this... I would like to because then I do not have to get to the actual confession part - but let's just say, I need to confess because it takes the power from what I have done away from Satan and gives God the power to help me move past my sin.

So here goes,

1. I spend money we do not have and then I try to keep my husband from finding out so I can pay it off with money I get from pitching lessons. This is not the first time I have done it. This time it was over $1000 over a couple of months.

2. I have serious issue with eating too much and eating things that are bad for me.

3. I get angry with my children and yell it them in a very harsh way.

All three of these things boil down to self-control & my lack of it. I feel like I have been a hypocrite over the past couple of months as I have seen these areas of my life spiraling out of control and tried to let everyone think that I have GOT IT ALL TOGETHER.

The Scripture I posted to start this off scream to me every day. I know the life I am supposed to live and I just cannot seem to get there. I wake up each morning with good intentions and then one thing or another will happen and I start to slip down a slope of sin. Then I listen to satan whisper in my ear and I am overwhelmed with guilt. How could I talk to anyone about what I am going through? They would NEVER understand. And they would JUDGE me.

Let me say, I have the best husband ever. He is an encourager and a man of God. My sins financially have been a burden on him and he is neither angry nor discouraged. As I have gained A LOT of weight, he has always shown me how much he loves me and is attracted to me. As I have struggled with being harsh to our children, he has prayed with me and helped to lighten my load. God has blessed our family with a man who will lead us in His path.

Another thing, many might say these struggles are related to having four children in 4 1/2 years and I would say strongly that is not so. These are things I have struggled with my ENTIRE adult life. I can remember when I used to go to the GAP and spend $400 $500 without a thought (back when I was single). I always lived paycheck to paycheck and had people calling about past due bills. I have always struggled with eating issues. Back before children I bounced back and forth between eating too much and not eating at all. And as for anger, ask any of my old players and they will tell you that I certainly had anger issues.

Perhaps having all these children has brought these issues to a head. Perhaps it is that I see the effect these issues have on the people I love more now and I am more moved by it... Whatever it is, I do know that my life cannot continue to roller coaster through these sinful actions. I want more for my family than this. I want to be the wife and mother God has called me to be.

Some thoughts at 4am

Yes, it IS 4am and I am awake. My little one has been sick and waking me once or twice a night for about week now. This would have killed me with any of the other three but God is growing and stretching me. I realize the season is short and soon she will not need me at these ridiculous hours. I am not happy about the lost sleep but it does not fret me the way it would have not long ago. The only thing that does frustrate me is periodically I struggle getting back to sleep... like tonight. Church will be a little groggy eyed tomorrow, I am sure.

Home Schooling
We have been going on about three weeks now and I have to say a few things stick out to me. First is my ever present amazement at what Bowden is capable of doing. I love watching him learn something new. The joy is his eyes is really asweome! Then there is the ever present feeling like I am not teaching him enough, doing it right, trying to teach him too much, doing it wrong.... I could go on and on here. I have to face and deal with MY frustration level every day.

The girls have also been amazing. They play with each other for the majority of the time while we do school. I considered doing school during naptime but decided that mornings were better because we are all fresher. I am usually in a better mood and that gives us afternoons to finish up if something goes wrong. The television was an option but I decided that I did not want to rely on that as a crutch. So I decided that they are just going to have to learn to either listen or entertain themselves. It goes pretty well every day. Sometimes they get a little needy or loud (they love to stand on the fireplace and sing). After Bowden is done with school, I sit with them and do "school". Knowing this is coming seems to keep them entertained. I suspect it will get a little harder when little Ryen quits her morning nap but why borrow trouble worrying about that now?

I am so grateful that we decided to home school. I am really enjoying the time and I cannot imagine sending Bowden off every day. It is amazing to see the developmental differences in him that just a year makes. I believe that many of us put WAY too much pressure on our first borns. We think they should be able to this or that and if we would just be patient those skills will come. Case in point - last year I bought a book to help teach the skill of cutting. It was age appropriate according to the cover. He and I banged our heads against each other for a while before I gave up and decided he would just be one of those people who lacked the ability to cut things out! Periodically I would give him some scissors and paper and he would just cut whichever way he liked. So with our first day of school there was a cutting assignment. I was NOT excited about this. But my boy surprised me when he picked up his scissors and cut along the lines, it was not perfect but pretty darn good. I think he was just not ready to do that skill and by forcing him, we were both just frustrated and irritated. There is a cutting assignment every day now and that is the part of the day that I can go and do a load of laundry of some other chore. It will be amazing if this child makes it through to adulthood not completely scarred from all the mistakes I make on him..... his sisters should be VERY grateful!!!!